#DrunkReading | The Hangover Review: Kidnapped by the Bil-Lion-aire by Sassie Lewis

Book: Kidnapped by the Bil-lion-aire (Mane Attraction Book #1)

Author: Sassie Lewis

Book Summary:

The moment the curvy goddess walked into the club, Crispin knew he’d found his mate. What he hadn’t been expecting to surround her was the unmistakeable scent of prey.

The Wild-haired and golden-eyed hunk stalking toward Viv, flares an instantaneous attraction which seems to burn her mind…and melt her panties.

How can a Lion shifter convince a mere human she is his destined mate?

Perhaps a little light kidnapping, with a side order of incessant pleasuring will do the trick.

WARNING
This book contains: a French lion shifter whose philosophy is “I licked it, so it’s mine”; a curvy goddess who insists on calling him Simba instead of his actual name; and all the things good Catholic girls should never do.
If being tied to a bed and pleasured into submission doesn’t get you purring, then this isn’t the pussy for you.

What did I drink?:  cranberry juice and green apple crown royal. DELICIOUS.

How do I feel:  I’m good to go, my friends.

Hangover Review:

ohmygod. This book is the funniest thing I’ve read this year. I can’t decide if it was purposefully funny or not – but it had to have been, at least a little bit. A friend purchased this novella for me because she declared it was worth $3 for her to read this post. Let’s give her her money’s worth, eh?

lionaire

Vivian and Jo were just headed to the shifter bar to check it out. They had heard of women going missing from this bar, but they weren’t deterred. Nope. The $20 price tag on a glass of wine should have deterred them if not the Bermuda Triangle of shifting bars, but whatever. They went and were there for approximately 5 seconds before Viv runs into Crispin – literally runs into him – and then passes out.

This may be a good time to tell you that I think the title of this book is incorrect. It should be cubnapped, right? RIGHT.

So Viv wakes up tied to a bed with a lion-man between her legs lapping up her cream. She creams a lot. Crispin’s sort of obsessed with it. Lapping and lapping and licking and coaxing. He can’t keep his paws off of her. [omg. I should get an award for lasting this long without punning].

Crispin drinks his cream

I was really perplexed about how Viv just passed out. I mean, she hadn’t even had a sip of her $20 glass of wine, but BOOM, unconsciousness. It turns out when a male lion shifter releases high dosages of mating pheromones, humans have a massive orgasm and pass out. Well then. That could get uncomfortable in normal life scenarios.

shit. I should plan for this.

There is a substantial amount about lion shifting that I was unaware of. I mean, I was totally expecting the claws to come out – I was even anticipating some heavy petting and pillow talk purring – but the blood exchange and barbs took me for a complete shock. It’s apparently a lot like vampire shifting, but with more hair. and penis barbs.

Unsurprisingly, once the change starts to happen, Viv is totally on board. Come to think of it, she hasn’t been tied up for some time. I’m going to pretend that she wasn’t kidnapped, because that part of the story makes me super uncomfortable. ok? ok. Crispy should have just slipped some of his blood in her $20 glass of wine and then they would have lionsnuggled.

Did I mention that Crispin is sort of obsessed with knocking Viv up on the first go around? He can smell that she’s fertile. I’m really hoping that he can only smell her due to his super fantastic lion abilities and I have to wonder if he would have still kidnapped her and declared her his mate if she wasn’t ovulating. I know that always makes me horny. Just say the words:

I mean, damnit, Viv. BAD NIGHT TO GO OUT. I’d gift you an ovulating test for the future, but since you’re already knocked up with cubs (let’s not even think about that birth right now, ok?) it’s a little late for that.

for fuck’s sake. if they look like that, NOW I WANT ONE.

so finally, after the mating, they start talking. Crispin explains that Viv is his mate and that since they exchanged blood and he fucked her with his barbs, she’s a lioness and that they are mated forever. He drops the bil-lion-aire bomb on her, too. Viv makes a few demands of her own – like meeting the parents, a real wedding, and moving into her condo. Good for you, Viv. Stand up to your lion kidnapper husband father of your cubs.

WAIT. If she can see her family again and Crispy owns a penthouse downtown – like, near people – did the news stories just forget to mention that the women who disappeared from this club reappeared pregnant, shifters and mated to rich lions? This is terrible reporting, and totally something that the club should rectify. The women would come in prides and trample each other to get into the club if the men were that hot & rich. But I digress.

This novella is a serial, so there’s a cliffhanger. Viv has never fully changed into a lion, so we have that to look forward to – there’s also the pregnancy, telling of the parents, and then all the normal stuff of getting to know each other. So much can happen.

I was highly amused and purrfectly pleased with how I spent my evening. Was this a fantastic work of literature? NOPE. Did I laugh my ass off while drinking? ABSOLUTELY. & bonus: the puns continued throughout the night.

If I think about this book being written for the purpose of amusement only, then I actually enjoyed it. It’s completely ridiculous and yet sort of fun to read. The lion shifting was amusing – the puns are out of control – Viv struggles with her new lioness self – and I really hate myself a little bit for saying this, but I’d read book 2.

just remember: he’s king of the jungle, baby.

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